Wow!

So much has happened in a year and a half!

I surely need to start writing again....and from the looks of things in the

last two postings....yipes.  That was such a hard time.....we have since moved

twice and are settled in Harvest, AL.  

Yes, its time to write....thats for sure.  

Stay tuned!

detachment

detached
from the world
from my future
from my past
and wandering

listless
crazed, yet calmed
crying, yet dried up
I can waste no more tears

little voices calling
from within
from the hall
call to me asking
for love, for support, for play

others call
for my strength
for normalcy
for my sanity to come running

But detachment
calls for nothing

it stands alone
straining to join
the world at play
the heart in love
the life in use
a mind well connected

Can anything reach it?
what will grab at a detached life that begs
to act, to love, to play, to live?

laid apart

one woman

a lover
a mother
a sister
a daughter
stands alone

Alone in her pain,
alone in her confusion
she wanders through
the questions that empty her

Why this?
Why now?
Why me?

Others stare at her in silence and beg
"get over it"

She stares into her distilled mind and fears
"am I crazy?"

Her lover stares back in
confused resentments and asks,
"why me?"
"why now?"

He drains her by asking
asking more questions
demanding more strength
demanding more than
she has to give

But what he lacks
he neither understands
nor is willing to seek

so, through the crowd
and through her lovers eyes
she is laid apart

Welcome to Flashback City

...and not a map in sight.
Dangit, I hate it when this happens.
How am I supposed to know where I'm going?
How am I going to get out of here?
Hmmmm...maybe if I just retrace my steps....
__________________________________________________

Yeah, don't you hate it when that happens. Life
is going along fine, then BAM-a not so nice remembrance of the past comes creeping along...and without an invitation.
HOW RUDE!

Well, for those of you who have lived a pretty nice existence...
congratulations!!....you're a freak.
Now, for the rest of us--let's take a trip shall we...a trip
without road maps where memory holds the only key.

Man, do I hate flashbacks....I'm talking: it wasn't your fault, someone
was an idiot and yet, you have the memory that walks with you. On one
hand though, I am pretty lucky. At least, that's what a counselor
in college told me. I would have to agree with him...I live a normal
life, and some people who have had problems in the past can't even function.
I mean, they are either abusers themself, crack holding, no job having, not able
to live a normal life type of people. And I guess some hide it-while trying
desperately to "show" a normal existence.

I really am lucky. The question lies, however, in this blog's beginning. What do you do when you drive in Flashback city without a road map in sight??? Now, if its something from the past that obviously won't happen again....I think those are the lucky ones to be honest. The difficulty lies in when the abuse happened in ordinary existences which were taken entirely too far. Such as, someone who had an "extra" good time at Christmas with more than his fare share of the nog. Or, when a person
takes his anger and his words way, way, way too far and decides to inflict their pain
onto another person....because remember, misery does indeed love company.

So, that person is gone...but then aren't there other people who at times
take their anger too far? Sure..but the problem is therein. Maybe its just
me, but I have a really hard time pushing those thoughts away when that
crap happens. And, so I go back there. Back to the same feelings, the same
anger of "why do I deserve this?", the same hurt, and almost the same tears.

But, I'm here with a new reality. A reality of "I really didn't deserve it" and
a place of "okay, it happened, but its not going to rule my life". Thanks to God.
And, so I back up--retracing my steps, so as to remind myself of the present person that I am. And also, the reality that I'm currently in while drying my tears of the past that sting my eyes in this present.

So, in short, I hate Flashback City. Its like that party you have to go to, but you know you will not have a good time and you're going to do someone a favor. It sucks. It really, really does. Maybe God is using it to humble me, I don't know. Definitely something I will ask Him when I get home.

______________________________
P.S: I know that this posting was a little disfunctional and maybe
at times did not connect thoughts whatsoever....thanks for
hanging with me :)

Hello, my name is Amanda.

And I am a sugar addict.

So, it took me 29 years to figure this out. While
chomping down on an Almond Joy this afternoon on the way back
from Wal-Mart, I stopped for a second to think. Ironically,
it happened after my daughter, pointing to my candy bar said,
"I wan sah!!" (I want some) I thought, 'No, she can't have this....
too much sugar...' Now, I know most of you are thinking (like I did)..
"then why are you eating it???"

Exactly.

Next, I took stock of what I had eaten since I had woke
up that morning. Bowl of cereal (slightly sweetened kind),
two pieces of chocolate, and now an Almond Joy bar.
And it was only 11am!!

Is this the same woman who wouldn't let her daughter have cake and ice
cream until her first birthday???? yeah...geez, so I guess my mentality
is, I can have it, but she can't. Why the hypocrisy?? That, my friends,
took a few more stop lights time on the way home.

To put it simply, I don't want her to have the kind
of life and body that I currently have. Now, I have never thought
this while denying her sugary items....but as I delved into my hypocrisy
I realized that I was protecting her from the same thing that is ruining
my body. I don't want her to have the kind of life where she is battling
being overweight/practically obese and having a bad lifestyle.
And if my daughter is anything like me, she will point out that
hypocrisy as soon as she learns to pull up those smart-mouth-genetical-genes
I have so wisely given her in my genetic makeup.

Honestly, I was taught how to eat well from my mother and I guess somewhere
along the lines of being an independent 20-something..I've lost it. Lost it so
badly that at the beach house last week in North Carolina, I did something that
I haven't done willingly in a year or so.

I stepped on a scale. The verdict?
210 , AHEM, yes, 2-1-0 pounds
Yes, folks, I have put my actual weight on public display.

So, here I am. And I kind of have a sick, twisted, yet wonderful ability
to look outside of myself and see the kind of life I could have if I made
healthier choices. I don't know what keeps me behind those lines, but I HAVE to step over them to a new way of life. I can honestly feel my body losing the battle--every day, and every new pound presents a new set of challenges. I now have occasional back pain, acid reflux, and a hard time breathing while climbing stairs and the occasional walk to the fridge for ice cream.

Good Lord, what do I do now? Well, I know one thing...I'm definitely gonna
need His help to get out of this. LET THE DETOXIFICATION BEGIN.

"V-A-C-A-TION...we're gonna have a ball!!"

I'm on vacation.

(note: We already took two one-week "vacations" earlier this summer...but everybody knows that seeing family is never a true VACATION)

CORRECTION: I'm on a true vacation

Sunscreen, sand on my beachtowel, the taste of saltwater....its sooooo sweet. And not an agenda in sight. Man, do I love the beach. That's why I was totally stoked when my friend invited my daughter and I to her family's beachhouse in NC. So, three days after our arrival and with 4 days to go until the end of our trip...I feel very relaxed and am in the mood for perspective.

Man, I love the beach! (is there an echo in here??)...I really don't know what it is about it. The only other time I felt this way was when I worked in missions at the Grand Canyon for a summer during college. Every time I visited the rim of the canyon, I felt as if it looked different, new, fresh...and changed. Okay, so the Grand Canyon renewed daily? not really. But, I don't know..maybe its a matter of perspective.

The same is for the beach I think...but in a truer sense. It changes, new tide comes in, the old sand and shells wash away. A constant salty breeze and fresh air, now all I need is a few spa treatments and I'm golden.

My daughter is giving it the old college try with the sand and water. Her first conscious trip to the beach (going as a baby doesn't count in my book), I think katie was a bit put off by the vastness of the ocean and messiness of the sand. She couldn't believe the sand was sticking to her feet and as you know....that is inevitable here. So, first she got used to the sand, then walking on it, then the water (and how it roars toward her on the shore), and then today....I'm so proud...she went in the ocean and loved it!

She's such a hoot...she didn't like the sticky sand, the little bit of water that came to shore where we were...but standing twenty feet out with Mommy letting waves crash into us?....she loved it! so funny...

Being here causes me to think about so many things...too many. I have to take them one at a time and let them roll in, change the shore, then roll out...so to speak. Sorry to use the cheezy beachside metaphor. I need to take time for myself, but I'm wondering how? I think, for starters, I'm gonna sit on the beach later during sunset and ponder what's coming onshore. till then...

The legend continues...

So, picture this:

A lovely cookout at my in-law's on a hot summer day in Dallas, birds are chirping...uh, choking on the smog-filled humid day, and the people of this fine city are cooled by the air conditioned homes in which they dwell.

Among the food, flies and air conditioning....yet another story of my husband's brillance as a child cuts through the air of conversations. "Well, you know...jeremy was reading by the age of four...he just loved his books...he could
stay entertained for hours!" Now, don't get me wrong...I do love the stories about my husband, even when I've heard them 100 times. I honestly never get sick of hearing about when he was a young kid...and I'm sure I'll be telling these stories when my children are in their twenties...well, maybe.

But amid the years that I have been in my husband's family, I have heard the following facts about his growing up years:
1) potty trained by the age of 21 months
2) reading on his own by his 4th birthday
3) programming on an Apple II computer by the age of 10
4) and other signs of brillance that I'm sure I've missed

So, here is my stack of accomplishments at the same age:
1) By 21 months, my mother was still changing my diapers and a year later
I was screaming on the potty as they tried to train me (we have pics to prove it)
2) At age 4, I was making mud pies and throwing them at my sister
(and probably tasting a few)
3) At age 10, I had beaten the first level of Super Mario Brothers on my Nintendo

Here's the point: neither is good or bad...different kids achieve milestones at different times. But lately, I've been thinking about these differences between my husband and I. Reason being that I have a daughter who has been very interested in the potty...and very uninterested in wearing a diaper. So, putting my own and my husband's past behind us...I forged on with an open mind and plently of resources of "how-to's" concerning potty training. "She'll go at her own pace...we'll take our time...and be patient" I was determined to let her be herself and figure out the potty on her own time.

Then it happened. Today, at the age of 21 months...my daughter took a pee in the potty for the first time...and only on the second try with her actually on the pot. I was high-fiving her, telling her how much I loved her and that she did a good job....her response? Unfazed, taking this in like its just another day.....

The legend continues? Maybe so....now, where are those alphabet flashcards??

Who am I?

Recently, there have been several songs on Christian radio titled, "Who am I?"
And in the past few months, I have been asking myself this same question. In the face of adversity, many times we question the very core of who we are. What we once thought is no longer, the mirror image we had of ourselves now fogged by tough times, questions about life, and ghosts of the past running to catch up with us.

Dealing with this fog has been probably one of the most difficult things I've ever faced. Any of you that have read my blog (the whopping 4 of you out there!) know that I have faced worse or claimed as such. And you're probably thinking, "NOW what?" What I'm faced with now is a day in and day out battle of the mind. Never in my life have thoughts attempted to overtake every part of who I am. They interrupt my day at work, disrupt the flow of positive thinking that was once a part of who I am, and keep me from dealing with every day stresses in a normal way.

What in the heck is getting my goat? Well, many in my family know the difficulty I have had with dealing these past couple of years with a panic disorder and my attempt to get the attacks under control. Through counseling and a lot of prayer, these attacks are now a rare occurance, praise God. What remains are the leftovers of things to still yet deal with--abuse endured as a very young teen, bad self image, etc.

And as these last frustrating pieces of my brain get dealt with...I'll keep the blog updated with the process. Now, I don't feel as if I'm gonna be "perfectly aware and in control" one day...don't get me wrong. But I have to get to the place where the past is the past and I'm living in the present with a clear mind in God's hands.