There is nothing to fear but......

Fear: as defined by Webster's Dictionary...
1) to feel fear in (oneself)
2) to be afraid of : expect with alarm

Please let me explain...I know something about fear. As I told a friend today, I've come face to face with what I believe is the most horrible enemy of Christian and non-Christian alike. For non-Christians, I don't know how anyone comes out of this war alive and kicking.
Granted, this is a somewhat peculiar and dark topic for my first blog. However, it sums up my experience in Japan over the last 8 months or so (plus, I promise this post has a good ending). In America, I lived such a safe and "comforted" life. Surrounded by the things I knew well, I lived my life as a Christian sometimes in and out of the bubble of Christian America. And the bubble was great; church, family, Christian friends, Christian radio, Christian bookstores...the list goes on and on. Outside of the bubble were my non-Christian friends and family, difficult incidences at work or traveling around, etc. I'm not saying I separated my life from anything outside the bubble, I'm only saying where my confidence and security was held. Love for and from my wonderful family, my husband, from God, and the normalcy of life is what both held and preserved my security. The things of the past (I told myself) where in the past and belonged there. I've gotten over them...sure...sure I have. As it was, I had a mask on to the world, myself, and most importantly....God. Not that I ever convinced Him, I'm sure He knew all along that the dam was about to break. And I thank God every day since that it did.

For anyone who has lived in a foreign country or been in church long enough...there's a popular catch phrase or cliche that people use to prep others for difficult situations. Its called getting out of your "comfort zone". "Boy, living in Japan! That's really getting out of your comfort zone, huh?" I must have heard that eight bazillion times on the road to Japan. I said to myself, "How different can it be? A little rice, a little midnight karoke sing-a-long, difference in language..." I'll adjust, I told myself,....I'll be fine. I mean, how many different situations have I been through in my life? Again, a few hundred bazillion. I've traveled to a lot of foreign countries, been assigned to missions in lots of difficult places, experienced difficulties in my own life, etc. But, absolutely nothing prepared me for what was to come.

I arrived in Japan with a new and wonderfully amazing husband, a few suitcases, and the prayers of a lot of friends and family. The few months were difficult with my husband working full time and me home by myself. I had time (a lot of it) to think about all of the changes that had been happening in my life. And I mean a lot of time; no phone, newspapers, TV, computer, no communication. A trip to the payphone every now and then was all. You may be asking yourself, "Why didn't you go outside, visit stores, talk to people?" I asked myself that question everyday. And as I looked outside, I saw people who did not know my language, as I did not know theirs....streets with no names (no joke). Slowly and yet suddenly a fear gripped me that coping may not be as easy as I formally thought. Japan is a society that is based in groups, not individuals....like the Japanese proverb says: "The nail that sticks up will be quickly hammered down". So, if you come from a society, like America, that is swimming in individualism.....living in a country like Japan will bring out your individuality like a siren, both the good and very bad parts of it. This for me was the icing on the cake...mentally speaking.

In short, (or long--which is what this post is becoming) this began a slow and sured downward slope. All of my wonderful mechanisms that I had used in my old life to cope with difficulties no longer worked. Mechanisms such as: avoidance, lying about the past, dark sarcasm, etc. You name it: I used it....and all to make me feel good about myself and those difficult expereiences; instead of facing them and walking through them like a big girl.....with a very big God.

Don't ask me why, I'm only 26 years old... I hadn't been using them that long. Some Christians who may be reading may say, "Well, I would have prayed more... read my bible, etc." Yea, I thought that too. But, my friends, this was a desert experience like no other. I soon started having panic attacks. Something I thought would never happen to someone like me. And suddenly, I was in the doctors office being diagnosed with a panic disorder and being given pills to deal with everyday life. My poor husband, he didn't know whether to make head or tails of it I'm sure. He was probably just putting out fires left and right..trying to make sure that I coped with life somehow. All along, thank God, he held my hand, let me cry, scream or whatever came out. He helped me when I was weak and couldn't seem to get out of bed--there was so much. I thank God everyday for how amazing God's strength is in him and how his prayers and love helped me to keep going. And let me tell you my friends, it was plain ugly.

Well, I could go on, but the most important part is how I am on the other side of one of the darkest times of my life. The truth of it is: I'm facing the truth, I'm dealing with the very nature of fear, my past, I've stopped lying to myself and others, and I have become myself for the first time in twenty years. God led me into Christian counseling..... with a wonderful counselor who under no circumstances would let me BS my way through it or the truth about who I was, both the wonderful and bad parts.
-----I remember a few years ago, I was struggling to keep my weight under control. I told my sister, "I just feel like there's someone else inside of me trying to get out...." That was NOT about weight...it was about wanting to be who God created me to be. Free. Not trapped by fear, not just "coping", but being free in Him. What I mean is this: whether you're a Christian or not, if you see a friend not facing issues or addictions and avoiding it at all costs and you start to see the downward effects of it in her life, you're pretty much gonna say something. And God would not let me go until I had dealt with everything. Sure, I could've held onto it for another twenty years and let it destroy my marriage, build insecurities in my children as they catch mine, but God would not let it. Because, as God promises and I have seen in my own life; He wants the best life for me. Not a second rate life. --I don't have a second rate husband. I waited for God to bring us together and I believe that he is the most wonderful and handsome man on the face of the earth. And most importantly, the best for me. And believe me, God knows everybody...:)


I'm not a mother yet (3 months to go), but I know even now that there is nothing I wouldn't do for this child. How much more then does God want to give to us? I argue that there is much, much more that He wants for us than we're willing to take hold of. For some, it may be giving your life to Him and trusting Him with it. For others, it may be letting go of something that you've held for too long that He wants you to give to Him...be it fear, your past, anger, or whatever. Take it from me...let it go. Stop being so afraid all the time. Fear grips us, destroys our faith, and moves us to make stupid decisions....be it to lie, pretend, push problems deep down, ..basically avoid reality. And the end of your life is the most real place you will ever be... That is the place where you face the reality of what your life has been...what did you spend your time and energy on? The people in your life, how would they describe you? Okay, alot of people would have described me as real, a good listener, funny, open and honest. But, really, how would you describe the real you? This is reality.

I promised a happy ending and here it is. I'm no longer completely controlled by fear. I am finally on the other side of a very dry desert. I have moments of fear and worry...and occasionally they give me a harsh gripping but they don't grip me the way they used to. I love living in Japan and I love the people and this culture. Our first child will be born this fall and I soon I will be able to look at this child and my God square in the eye and completely say.........I'm free.

It's funny.....

It's funny, when I first arrived in Japan, my husband and I were stared at quite frequently. Oh sure, the new foreigners had come to town....and in a town of only 64,500 people..someone was bound to notice. Now, almost a year later, perhaps the newness has worn off and I've started to behave like a resident instead of a tourist. This happened when I worked at the Grand Canyon one summer on missions. After 3 weeks of adjustment, the national park became home and we began to resent the tourists who frequently came in and out. Why is it that when you're on vacation--you suddenly forget how to drive and behave normally? I dunno --- I guess that experience could be summed up in a funny bumper sticker donned by one the park employees. It read:

Why is it called tourist season if you can't shoot 'em?

But I digress.

Recently, however, I've noticed a new crop of folks staring and for completely different reasons. ......I'm a pregnant American living in Japan. Now that wouldn't shock most folks, but for the population of men in Japan over 35 years of age..its quite dumbfounding! I honestly can't explain why..I thought a pregnant woman is a pregnant woman no matter what culture they came from. But, for some reason, wherever I go I get an odd stare from this group...and I've come up with a few possible inner monologues that could be going on:

SHAME "Oh, she's pregnant...I...uh...look away!....."

AMAZEMENT "Really?....I didn't know Americans had sex....."

GUESSING "Is she pregnant...or just big?....."

?????
"Hmmmmm....I should've picked up that squid I needed for dinner...."
(for those of us who stare into space without knowing what we're directly looking at)

*And my favorite: this one is a certain kind of stare that can only mean one thing.....

--Crinkle between the brows accompanied by a frown---
"Hmph.....I'll bet she's married to a Japanese....Hmph...."

So you see, it runs the gamut. Honestly though, most people are very nice and in Japan are somewhat awestruck by the whole pregnancy phenom. Many people have smiled with congratulations only to say with a sudden stern look, "You take care of yourself and the baby...!" and "don't work too hard, take care..." And my doctor's office/hospital...forget it...its simply the best~! One of my favorite experiences so far....everyone is sooooo friendly, our doctor speaks English, and the staff is fabulous!! One of the biggest blessings so far....

So all that to say, next time you see a pregnant woman---be it American, Asian, or Spanish......just smile!
She just might need it:)