Closing Time.

My time in Japan has come to an end. I'll be leaving, along with my daughter, in 3 short days for America. Today I went to Tsukuba City with my good friend Laura Hirosawa who, along with her hubby Nobu, is expecting a baby boy next month. We talked alot about the upcoming new joy in her family, my family's move, and change in general.

Change is an interesting thing. There was a popular song (one hit wonder) a few years ago called, interestingly enough,--Closing Time. My favorite line from the song said, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." And thats really true isn't it? My life in America back in July 2003 made a drastic turn when I married a wonderfully handsome man and moved over here to Japan. It was the end of my single life, and also the end of a time where I had only known the country of America as my permanant home.

So, I came to Japan at a beginning. And now that beginning has come to an end. And when I get back, another beginning....a new place on this journey: My husband will return to school for his Master's..I will seek out a job...we'll find a new church...and I'll get to live in the same town with some of my college buds. Not to mention the fact that we'll be living ALOT closer to our families now. Not too shabby.

But you know, when I think about it--this is a new beginning for our daughter as well. She has only known Japan as her home...America was just a place she vacationed at during Christmas.

Its funny what you notice when you're leaving. The billboards, people, and going's on around you suddenly start to jump out. Almost like when I first arrived in Japan... I noticed every billboard, every person, and all the happenings around me. It was so fresh, new, and different than any place I had ever been. Now that I'm leaving--its has if my mind is saying, "You're about to leave all this--soak it up, notice everything."

To be honest, its really hard for me to write this..to know what words to say. I'm literally trying to pull this stuff up, these feelings out of me...because they want to hide. For anyone reading this who knows me well enough..I always have a word. That goes without saying I think. (funny pun...insert laugh here) But, really, I have so many feelings about it, I just don't know what they are yet. I guess thats okay right?

Above those feelings are fear. But, what am I afraid of? Leaving? Starting something new? Failure? The only thing I have thought of is the difficult way I tredded through the mud of my last major adjustment to change. No, not the baby. I'm talking about my first few months in Japan. Talk about the poster child for how "not" to cope with change. I didn't pray, I didn't write, I didn't do much of anything except for think. I was completely closed off from my "world" as I knew it. In a new country, with a new husband, in a new home...and I did not cope well to say the least. So, I pulled in...too far in. And I guess, without going into more details than are needed for a public blog, that I'm afraid of my history repeating itself, you know?

Another fear: America itself. I've heard way too many stories of people and their reverse culture shock once they've returned to their home country. Things that we were used to in our own culture are now going to be the things that stand out to us..probably in a bad way.

So, I'm tired of analyzing tonight...time for solutions.
My solution today: Perspective.

I have to try and keep everything in perspective: Every new beginning really does come from something else ending. An ending, in itself, is not bad. A beginning, in itself, is not bad. They both have lessons to serve the next. I will learn from my last horrible adjustment and do things right as much as I can this time. I will stay in God's face during this transition. I'll be away for my husband for two months as he closes up shop in Japan and finishes his contract. But, I will remember the women who are praying for their husbands on the battlefield in Iraq tonight. And that they would gladly trade places with me---two months? Thats nothing...try one year with the knowledge that your husband will be on the front lines.

My solution for tomorrow: Gratitude.

Random survey...fun stuff! No relation, I promise!

You scored as Musical/Rhythmic. You are sensitive to sounds in your environment, enjoy music and prefer listening to music when you study or read. You learn best through melody and music. People like you include singers, conductors, composers, and others who appreciate the various elements of music. Musical/Rhythmic 93% Intrapersonal 82% Visual/Spatial 75% Interpersonal 71% Bodily/Kinesthetic 68% Verbal/Linguistic 68% Logical/Mathematical 36% The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences created with QuizFarm.com

You Are From Mercury

You are talkative, clever, and knowledgeable - and it shows. You probably never leave home without your cell phone! You're witty, expressive, and aware of everything going on around you. You love learning, playing, and taking in all of what life has to offer. Be careful not to talk your friends' ears off, and temper your need to know everything.

What Planet Are You From?

ch-ch-ch-changes

My life is changing. I'm about to move from my home of 2 years....Japan...to the home i once knew...America. My feelings can be summed up in one word: numb. I'm supposed to be feeling something right? Nostalgia from the past two years...excitement to return to my own country, etc. But, I'm feeling a bit of nothingness. Forgive me if this blog is a bit scattered, thats a bit of how I feel right now.

About a week ago, we sold half of our furniture in a bid to get rid of the "stuff" we've accumulated over the past 2 years. As I saw it leave, I thought of the memories attached to them and I started to cry. "I don't want it to end...", I said to my husband, crying on his shoulder. Eh? Is this the same person who, after living in Japan a mere 3 months, declared (to herself only) "I hate this place"? Yep. Emotions, funny little boogers they are.

But, now I've come to this strange place. Am I glad to leave? Yes. Will I miss Japan? You bet. Is it time to leave? Absolutely. That question was prayed about to the n-th degree, as I knew the depth to which my husband loved Japan (and myself too). Is my relationship with this culture over? no way. These are questions I have asked myself in absolute honestly. I have to, in order to get my thoughts straight before I leave.

Maybe the "I don't want it to end..." boo-hoo factor is a feeling that the adventure has come to an end. But, my husband and I have promised each other to never settle for a hum-drum existance. Now, what I have to remind myself is that it doesn't have to involve roaming around the world in search of it. I can find it (or rather, God will) in my own country.

Thats the other thing: America. Has it changed? I'm sure it has--'cause I have too. With time, comes change. (thanks, David Bowie)

I've been asking myself if I'm ready to return to America and the truth is: wakaranai (I don't know). Don't get me wrong; I'm super stoked to see my family and get a break. But, thats the thing that continues to boggle me....this is not a vacation, I'm going home for good. I can see myself, 2 weeks after I arrive, making sure I have my return plane tickets, just out of sheer habit. Plus, let us not forget the random phrases in Japanese that will be coming out in my speaking. The bowing from behind the wheel when someone lets me pass in front of their car. And what about my daughter (now 8 months old), how will she adjust? Well, one thing I know: I will show her how to adjust....in other words, she'll get her cues from me. If I adjust well, and take it in an honest, prayerful manner,....she'll feel that.

Thats really the heart of it isn't it? What is your foundation? They say that moving is one of life's most stressful events. Not to mention moving halfway across the world! I'm a person who's always needed roots, a place to feel at home, etc. Everyone does. But the point is that over the next two months, I will have no home of my own. My husband will be closing up our home in Japan, and I will hopefully be preparing to move into our new home in America.

What do I need to focus on? What will keep me from feeling like an aimless wanderer? Christ.

He has always been my foundation...my home when I felt like a wanderer (in my heart or physically on life's journey). And I know that no matter where I go in this world...He is there.

So, this I promise, as I come to some sort of understanding about all of this:

1) I will celebrate where His journey has had me in the past and where He is leading my family in the future.
2) I will honor the time He has given me in Japan, with all of its experiences, good and bad.
3) I will not be afraid to cry, speak my mind, or speak Japanese, though no one will understand. This is a process, one which will take time in adjustment.
4) I will recognize what I miss about Japan, what I don't.
5) Upon returning to America, I will speak of what I love about my country and what I never missed.

God, help me to be honest and upfront about the changes coming soon. Be God over this adjustment in our lives. Help me not to wander from you in this time, but to relax at home in your arms. Be the God of all of me. Protect my husband and I and our daughter in this time. We trust you Father--help us to glorify you in everything we do. Amen.